Saturday, November 27, 2010

Pressure OK, Lady?

The "sister wives" headed to Savannah to do a little Black Friday Christmas shopping. Tom,  Amy,  Jake, Heyward,  Noah, Wil, Gabey Baby and I loaded up in my car (because it holds 8 you know) and headed off to get some great deals! All except you know we didn't get up at 4:00 in the morning and we kinda missed most of the deals and we didn't have any money so it wouldn't have mattered anyway. It was everything we expected! It was crowded, it was hectic and it has been added to the never again list...again. Is it just me or did walking in a mall all of a sudden become much more exhausting? By the time we got to the second mall Amy and I were wiped! And I should mention here that Tom dropped Amy, Gabey Baby and I off at Target and he took the four big boys to Bass Pro Shops.

Now I know that pushing a stroller through Target should be a lot easier than keeping a 13 year old, a 12 year old, an 10 year old and a 9 year old wrangled at a place that is aptly named Outdoor World but do not discount the power of the Target 2 Day Sale people. AND Amy and I had obviously not trained as we should have. By the time we got to the food court I asked Amy if we should wait for the boys and she stated, "I need to eat NOW" which were my sentiments exactly... I just didn't want to sound like I was that selfish. I figured it was ok if there were two of us eating, because how can it be selfishness if there are two people involved? After dinner (we made the boys FFY and in Rachelese that means Fin For Yourself and my boys are very used to it) Amy had a few more stores to hit and the boys had more to see in Outdoor World.

 As we were making our way toward Bath and Bodyworks we passed the "Mall Massage" storefront and like I have stated before, Amy and I were not properly trained for Black Friday. We turned Gabe's stroller in because what a better way to spend 12 minutes than to watch your aunt and mother get their back's rubbed? Now the girl who was gonna give the good old mall massage is approximately 92.5 pounds and let's just say Amy and I aren't. I was a little skeptical. Amy was cool and calm because after all, she has had the mall massage before. She told us we could pay after the massage and so Amy settled into the worlds most flattering position that one could take in a mall (please note the use of my sarcasm font here). Gabe was pretty calm for the first 8 minutes and then he started to get a little antsy. When it was my turn, Amy took Gabe on to Bath and Bodyworks. I settled in for what I figured would be the greatest 12 minutes of my month. Now, somehow when I stuck my face into the massage chair that 92.5 pounds girl turned into a 452 pound sumo wrestler. I am not sure how this happened because the mall massage people are usually from the People's Republic of China (it says so on those really official looking certificates they have on the wall) and Sumo wrestlers are generally from Japan but none the less when this women started rubbing my shoulders I felt like I was in a vice and that my head was going to pop off at any minute. I am really not sure why I thought I would enjoy a massage seeing how I am not the biggest fan of touching. I am not sure if she could sense my unease or maybe I was wincing or maybe it was the fact that at some points I am sure I was holding my breath for a few minutes at a time but she kept asking me "Pressure OK Lady?". Now I am not up on the proper mall massage etiquette but I am a people pleaser (insert laughter here) and somehow I croaked out a weak "uh huh" and the sumo wrestler continued the mall massage torture. The never ending 12 minutes came to an end and I looked around for Amy's purse to pay. Well, Amy had gone to B&B with her purse and my purse so I ended up sitting in the mall massage store and I could feel the pressure that had just been relieved creeping back inch by inch every minute Amy was gone. There was one of those very uncomfortable silences, when you know you don't speak the same language and you just keep smiling at each other. All the time I know she is thinking "This fat American Lady not going to pay her bill and I gonna have to run after her from my mall store".

 Finally Amy came back and we paid for our 12 minutes in heaven and went to meet the guys in Outdoor World. We spot Tom and the boys from across the camouflage and he looks beat down. He has after all been chasing the boys while Amy and I partook in what should have been a relaxing mall massage. He handed off the boys to me while he and Amy went to check out. I took all 5 out to look at the waterfall, an act of pure selflessness if you ask me, because what better to entertain a gang of boys than the crushing force of water. Tom managed to keep the boys all safe, unhurt, out of jail and together for approximately 3 hours in Bass Pro Shops. I, on the other hand had them for all of 3 minutes when Wil stuck his finger in an empty christmas light socket. Did I mention it was raining? Did I mention we were getting wet by the crushing force of a Bass Pro Shops Waterfall? Did I mention WIL STUCK HIS FINGER IN A LIGHT SOCKET?

No, the pressure is not ok Lady. Not ok.


  1. Rachel- I love your blogs. Let's have a 4 AM anti-black Friday party next year.
    Jackie (Still too lazy to sign in)

  2. LOL!!!!!!
    Love love love this Rachel!!!


  3. I wish I hadn't been working. I would have gone with 'yall. Or at least met 'yall there. Did Wil require medical care?

    Margaret(I'm with Jackie - too lazy to sign in)