This Is Not the Movie Heathers

Be prepared this is going to be an emotional rant on my part. You don't have to read it.

A terrible thing has happened in our community. You may not see it in the newspaper. You probably won't hear about it on the news but you WILL hear whispers about it in restaurants. You WILL see facebook posts about it. You WILL see notes come home from school about it.

A family in my town has joined a club that I am in. A club no one should every be in. A club you don't know is as extensive as it is until it touches you personally. Once it does you find out very quickly how MANY people are affected by it.

Suicide.

Even the term can send shivers down your spine. It is a heartbreaking tragedy no matter what the circumstances are. The family in my town has lost their baby (because even at 14 they are still our babies). I lost my father. My friend lost her husband. My grandmother lost two children.  The situations are never good...bullying, depression, financial worries, stresses at work.

The questions are hard...
...why? Why did he do it? Why did he choose to leave us? Why didn't he ask for help? Why that day? ...what? What could I have done? What could have set it off? What was so bad that he thought this was better? What did he think about? What signs did I miss?
...how? How did he find the courage...to move his finger...to take that last step...to swallow...to jump? How did he think this was better? How can I get over this?
...when? When did he decide to do it? When will it stop hurting?

It plays out like a movie in my head. I can see him tying up loose ends... paying the electric bill, locking the door, making sure everything was easy for everyone else. I see him walking and struggling to get off of the loading dock. It was a big drop. His knees hurt. I know it wasn't easy for him to get down. I can see the tears in his eyes that I know were there. Was he shaking?

It doesn't matter. He is gone and I am here.

I have something though that some don't. I KNOW that my dad was a Christian. I KNOW that my dad believed in the one true God. I KNOW he believed that Jesus died on that cross so that he could spend eternity with him. I KNOW my dad believed Jesus is the way, the truth, the light. I KNOW because he told me. You see, I believe that just because you lose your faith in your own humanity doesn't mean that God turns his back on you. Our God is a loving God. He is a forgiving God. One friend at the visitation told me her belief and it stuck with me..."Just because you lose your mind, doesn't mean you lose your place in heaven". That statement spoke to me. I KNOW I will see my dad again.

And when I do the...

whys won't matter!
whats won't matter!
hows won't matter!
whens won't matter!

Until then...I still hurt. I still cry. I still grieve. More for me than him.

I hate that this family is grieving now over the tragedy of losing their child. I hate that bullying played a part in that tragedy.

Bullying is another post all together.

Until then I leave you with this...

Rest In Peace- Because I Am NOT!

We gather together today to say goodbye to a dear friend. A friend who has stood by us thick and thin. A friend who has been with me in the middle of the night when I have been up with sick children. A friend who has been with me at all hours when something is on my mind and I can't sleep. A friend that I am not sure I can live without. You all know this dear friend. You can all mourn the loss of this friend right along with me. Some of you however,  where happy to see this passing. Some of you may even rejoice. My heart is heavy but I know that one day we will meet again. I will bask in the glory of the evermore...the endless time this reunion will seem to give. Until then I mourn you my dear friend...

 2:00 AM...my lost hour of sleep.

How I loathe you spring forward.

I despise your name...spring forward...almost as much as I adore your nemesis...Fall Back! The words are lovely. It somehow reminds me of the trust game we used to play at camp. Fall Back. So comforting. Fall Back. You can trust me to catch you. Fall Back. Rachel you can stay in bed for one whole extra hour.

Join me now in a moment of silence.

Ok. I am moving on (even if I may never have peace about it). I have been on somewhat of a bloggy break. I really haven't had much time, or much to say for that matter.

Last week was a roller coaster. Noah had a huge melt down at school. We are so lucky to have wonderful people in Noah's life who understand the ups and downs he experiences. I know they truly love him and want the best for him. We made it through, even if it was a little rough going. And then...

Sunday! We sat through church and at then end of the service I looked over to Noah and he said "Let's go". He made his profession of faith...something we had been talking about for a LONG time. With just me and Wil in attendance he stood up and made that walk.  He had gone to speak to the preacher about a month and a half ago and told him he believed that Jesus died for him. Every Sunday after that I watched his tormented face as he fought the battle of wanting to make a stand for Christ and knowing he would have to stand in front of  the whole church with all eyes on him. Not an easy task for a child who thinks everybody is talking about him and everybody "joke me". He is so looking forward to his baptism! He does not want to do it in March because his interpreter/bff will be out of town and he really wants her to be there! I will give you all the details as soon as I get them! In the meantime you can all give a big AMEN for Noah (although we belong to a pretty reserved Baptist Church and in my childhood days Amens from the congregation were looked down upon...so if you have to just whisper a little AMEN for Noah then I completely understand).

And a very random thought here...I watched the finale of The Bachelor last night (because there was NOTHING ELSE on) and I just have to say that Charles and I got engaged when I told him I needed to put in dates for my vacation and he said "Well, I guess we should plan it around a honeymoon" and he got out his checkbook calender and we picked out a date. That being said....I dig that engagement over that mushy gushy crap in South Africa. How weird would it be to know that Charles had just dumped the other girl he was just sucking face with the night before he asked me to marry him. Creepy! Good luck with that Brad and Emily. On a side note she is BEAUTIFUL and seems to have a good head on her shoulders (along with a big old ring on her finger) so maybe they will make a go of it like Trista and Ryan (whose names I know only because I watched the after the rose special). And THANK GOODNESS Chantal has found the man shes been looking for all her life after professing her undying love for good old Brad. Glad to know she has found that so quickly. After all Love never gives up.

Dear Brad, Emily, Chantal and the producers of The Bachelor... Ephesians 5 people! May be a good thing to know!

So until Fall Back...here's to Daylight Savings Time- God love ya!

So Am I Crazy Or Is He? I Am Pretty Sure It's Him.

The letter for today is C. As in Crazy. And Carlos. Carlos Irwin Estevez AKA Charlie Sheen. I have to admit while most girls of the 80's and 90's were locked away in their bedrooms at night drooling over Teen Beat's latest picture of Tom Cruise or Patrick Swayze, I was in fact pushing the pause button on a drugged out under arrest Charlie Sheen in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Who would have guessed how prolific this scene would be? I had pictures of him on my wall. I watched Platoon, Young Guns and the aforementioned FBDO with the fervor of a lovesick stalker. I daydreamed about him taking me to a rollerskating youth fellowship and about just how jealous all of the older girls were going to be when I showed up with Charlie Sheen by my side. I even day dreamed about how good old Emilio would make such an excellent "Uncle Emilio" when we had babies. Now Charlie was not in a whole lot of movies and I was pretty sheltered. Where this obsession came from is a good question. It really makes me wonder (esp now in hind sight) what the attraction was. Am I crazy right along with him? And let's face it- he is the poster child for the big C right now.

I am also beginning to worry about the middle child. He may have a touch of the crazies too. He was all excited to tell me about the Marines Corp Band Concert at his school the other day. He was going on and on about the band and then he broke out the big news. He said, " And Mom! They started Playing 'The Saints Go Marching In" and I went up to the Sgt. guy and asked him if I could do the worm in the aisle and he said YES!" I asked if any other children were break dancing. No. I asked if any other children were dancing. No. I asked if any other children were moving in any way, shape or form. "Well they may have been swaying just a bit". Just imagine it-the stately Marine Corps Band playing The Saints Go Marching In and Wil doing the worm in the aisle.  Please let me state right here (if you don't already know) that God did not bless me with ANY dancing ability what-so-ever and Wil is defiantly my child.  I am not sure if it looked like the worm or if it just like some poor child having convulsions. He was so proud. "I must have been really good because they started taking pictures of me!" (insert me shaking my head side to side and making that tsking noise with my teeth) Poor Wil. I will share the pictures with you all if I ever get my hands on them. A video would be better.

Anyway, here's hoping your teen idols will always be memorable and your children will not be rushed to the ER for seizures while dancing!