A terrible thing has happened in our community. You may not see it in the newspaper. You probably won't hear about it on the news but you WILL hear whispers about it in restaurants. You WILL see facebook posts about it. You WILL see notes come home from school about it.
A family in my town has joined a club that I am in. A club no one should every be in. A club you don't know is as extensive as it is until it touches you personally. Once it does you find out very quickly how MANY people are affected by it.
Suicide.
Even the term can send shivers down your spine. It is a heartbreaking tragedy no matter what the circumstances are. The family in my town has lost their baby (because even at 14 they are still our babies). I lost my father. My friend lost her husband. My grandmother lost two children. The situations are never good...bullying, depression, financial worries, stresses at work.
The questions are hard...
...why? Why did he do it? Why did he choose to leave us? Why didn't he ask for help? Why that day? ...what? What could I have done? What could have set it off? What was so bad that he thought this was better? What did he think about? What signs did I miss?
...how? How did he find the courage...to move his finger...to take that last step...to swallow...to jump? How did he think this was better? How can I get over this?
...when? When did he decide to do it? When will it stop hurting?
It plays out like a movie in my head. I can see him tying up loose ends... paying the electric bill, locking the door, making sure everything was easy for everyone else. I see him walking and struggling to get off of the loading dock. It was a big drop. His knees hurt. I know it wasn't easy for him to get down. I can see the tears in his eyes that I know were there. Was he shaking?
It doesn't matter. He is gone and I am here.
I have something though that some don't. I KNOW that my dad was a Christian. I KNOW that my dad believed in the one true God. I KNOW he believed that Jesus died on that cross so that he could spend eternity with him. I KNOW my dad believed Jesus is the way, the truth, the light. I KNOW because he told me. You see, I believe that just because you lose your faith in your own humanity doesn't mean that God turns his back on you. Our God is a loving God. He is a forgiving God. One friend at the visitation told me her belief and it stuck with me..."Just because you lose your mind, doesn't mean you lose your place in heaven". That statement spoke to me. I KNOW I will see my dad again.
And when I do the...
whys won't matter!
whats won't matter!
hows won't matter!
whens won't matter!
Until then...I still hurt. I still cry. I still grieve. More for me than him.
I hate that this family is grieving now over the tragedy of losing their child. I hate that bullying played a part in that tragedy.
Bullying is another post all together.
Until then I leave you with this...
I am so glad to have read this... I miss your Dad everyday and I fully believe what you believe.
ReplyDeleteI am always an email away!!!! Come out and let the boys be boys and we will sit by the pool (not in it unless it's really hot) and finally spend some time together. Love you!
your post has touched my heart! I loved your dad and know how proud he was of each of you. My heart goes out to you and your family and to the family that just lost a sweet young boy.
ReplyDeleteAmen Rach....AMEN!
ReplyDeleteOh Rachel, I couldn't have said it better! I love you and your family and I hate that our families are in the same "club". My heart aches for that young boy and his family and they are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis post brought tears to my eyes. A couple of years my daughter, then 15, was at a private Christian school. She got in the car one day and the tears just started pouring, but I could sense a little fear in her too. A boy in the grade above her had committed suicide the day before. There were no signs. Even at a Christian school he was teased a little for being different. He had been adopeted because of tragedies in his biological family. I won't ever forget that day. I didn't know the boy or his family, but I will never get the look on my daughter's face out of my head. At least they were in a school where they could openly talk about it in a Christian matter, but there was a lot of guilt, even by the kids who didn't tease him but were always nice to him because they thought maybe they missed something. All my daughter could say was how nice he had been to her. It is a tough subject that always leaves way more questions than answers. I am sorry you had to experience that with a such a close relative. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one that way.
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